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The pressure built and when Virginia asked about his most recent medical appointments, he disclosed everything to her. She cried, screamed, accused, and then returned to silence. Nothing changed. Michael did not pursue communication with Virginia or she with him.

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He was in the same position he was in prior to seroconverting. His doctor referred him to my group. We have a general mental health practice, but specialize in work with LGBT individuals and families. Much of the work I do is with gay and bisexual men. I started doing groups for married and formerly married gay and bisexual men five years ago.

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To date, over 50 men have gone through these groups. And while individual therapy is helpful, group therapy has had a greater impact reducing isolation and building confidence. Because they identify as gay or bisexual, they do not feel a full connection with friends and family who identify as heterosexual. Fearing negative consequences, many do not disclose their non-heterosexual orientation. There are a number of ways married gay or bisexual men choose to negotiate their lives.

Three more common strategies are: No one way is suggested as better or worse than another, though sometimes one strategy serves as a springboard for another. Some gay or bisexual married men enter covert agreements with their wives that their sexual attraction, sexual activities, and sexual interests will not be discussed. And though a husband may suspect that his wife suspects, he does not tell.

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This may even be the case with Michael and Virginia. Michael and Virginia, and other couples who adopt this strategy believe that as long as nothing is discussed or made overt, no one will be hurt, no changes will be necessary, and family life can remain status quo. In some cases, couples are able to negotiate this arrangement with minimal negative impact.

Family members know something is not being discussed. Relationships are more distant and superficial.


Parents and children are more careful. And sadly, fathers tend to be less available to their children because on some level, they have removed themselves emotionally from the family. Slowly, he began to discuss his sexual attraction and sexual behaviors more overtly with me and with other men. He continued to be sexual in the ways he had been before. Eventually though, he met men with whom his intention was to have anonymous sex, but these encounters evolved into on-going relationships.

Not all mixed orientation marriages are open. Some men and women acknowledge the difference in their orientations and continue to have sex only with each other.

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Others in mixed orientation marriages choose celibacy. There was no discussion of Virginia having relationships outside their marriage. Over time for some couples, this arrangement becomes limiting as either the husband or wife meets someone with whom they would like to have a primary relationship. These couples may separate indefinitely, they may separate knowing that eventually they will divorce, or they may separate and file for divorce simultaneously. For many men with whom I have worked, this is the most feared arrangement.

Such a decision requires some explanation to children, extended family, friends and, in some instances, co-workers.

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There are also significant financial implications for couples that choose this strategy. Many times, it is the fear of disclosure of judgment, shame, and ostracism in combination with the financial fear of maintaining two households that impedes gay and bisexual married men from moving toward this arrangement. Just be a decent , masculine , fun Chicago Gay Personals Jam Gay Dating in Chicago xfme.

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